 | Many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) UD faculty, students and staff who have experienced harassment, discrimination, property destruction, and even physical violence perpetrated by others in this community. The contrast between the University's Statement on Dignity and the lived experiences of these members of our community is a constant, painful reminder that, as a Catholic, Marianist institution, we still have much work to do to ensure that ALL people at UD are treated with the respect and dignity they deserve. As a community, we are challenged to enhance the dignity of all persons on campus. A collage has been created that includes submitted photos or symbolic “silhouettes” (of those who feel they must remain anonymous), quotes, and short, personal stories about what it’s like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered, or an ally, at UD. The display has been featured in Kennedy Union, ArtStreet, and now online.
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My experiences as a young gay male at UD are some of my proudest moments. Coming out at UD had a profound effect on my life: it shaped me and made me the man I am today. I can still remember the day I came out in 1993: I was standing in the court yard next to the Chapel and I whispered to a friend, "I'm gay." I smiled, I cried, and my friend hugged me. I've never been the same since. I am thankful that my friends and colleagues at UD made me feel special and secure in my early coming out days." --UD Class of 1997
 As a junior at UD, I was an RA at Marycrest Hall for 72 first year women. Many of my students, on my floor, came from very conservative small towns. I assumed that everyone new I was a lesbian and that no one had issues with it, when the year began. I was wrong! One of my first year residents did have an issue with my sexual orientation and wrote, “*** is a Dike” on the white board posted on my door.
After the shock wore off, I realized that this was an issue that needed to be dealt with by the university community and the residence life department. I brought the incident to the attention of my director and received no support from her or the director of the hall. None of my superiors cared to investigate who was harassing me or to deal with them as an individual.
My superiors encouraged me to host a sensitivity training for my first year female students. We watched a video and then discussed diversity. I remember that no one was very interested in participating. It was as if the entire floor held me at an arms length away from that point on. They all attended the mandatory programs, but did not engage in any real discussion. When I placed material encouraging openness and acceptance of all of the bulletin boards on my floor, they were torn down. That Christmas I had to think long and hard if I wanted to return as an RA to my floor.
I was outraged that a university that prides itself on educating the whole person in learning, leading and service could not take a stand behind their students who were different. This should have been used as an educational opportunity to teach tolerance for all regardless of whom they love. Instead UD hid in the shadows of homophobia and refused to talk about the issue head on. I was furious and angry. I thought about leaving University but realized that my good friends, who had been there to support me, continued to be the pillars of strength for me in my quest to be true to myself. In the end I believe it was a few individual first year women who addressed the homophobia that their peers spoke and made the floor a much more welcoming place for all diversity.
I shared my frustration with my Dad during this time. He, in turn, shared with me stories of how he was harassed as a student, for standing up against the Vietnam War, while being in college on a ROTC scholarship. He encouraged me to keep fighting and stand up for myself.
As I look back on the ten years that have passed since I have graduated, I am thankful that my life now is 180 degrees different from my time at UD. I am happy and healthy with my partner of eleven and a half years. We are both involved in each other’s family lives. I could not ask for anything better. I have never faced anything as personally difficult as my time at Dayton. I am a stronger person for it and have not wavered from my core values and commitment to myself and my partner.
--U.D. Class of 1996
The hardest part about coming to UD (or any new place) is that people often assume you are straight. I had to come out again and again and this can be difficult. There were, and still are, times when I wish I had a star on my forehead saying, “I’m gay.” There were many challenges and hard times being gay at UD, but it was the best four years of my life. If I had to do it over again, I would choose UD in a heartbeat.
--UD Class of 2000
 In today’s society it is easy to view homosexuality and spirituality as incompatible and mutually exclusive. With so much emphasis being placed on homosexual “activity” some faiths conclude that homosexuality itself, as an orientation, is evil and sinful. I can’t even begin to describe how sad and hurt I feel when I hear such phrases as “God hates fags,” “Gays will burn in hell,” or “AIDS is God’s punishment for gays.” While others use the fear of God to judge and condemn gays and lesbians, it is my belief that that same God is an all-loving God. That is what sustains me.
I have been sustained three ways: my personal faith in God and participation in Church, the love and support of my family and my active involvement in bringing healing to those who seek love and acceptance from their church and families. I would like to elaborate a little on each of the three.
First, while I knew I was gay during college I didn’t come out until the summer after I graduated. As I came to realize that I am gay I, like many other gays and lesbians, found myself in self-imposed isolation. It was then that I wanted to die -- abandoned and alone. In my deep depression, I prayed to God. I prayed to God to end my pain by ending my life. As strong as my urges were I didn’t have the strength to end my life. In turning to God I found solace in the God who spared my life. Afraid to turn to others it was God, alone, to whom I could turn. In my deepest, darkest hours it was my faith in God’s love for me that sustained me. Conversations with several Marianists I knew and trusted gave insight into the presence of the Body of Christ in our midst - that God is among us. God is within us. We are made in the image and likeness of God. We are Christ’s presence to one another. Similar conversations, along with classes on Church documents, led to my revelation of the Church as the people of God.
In my struggle to come to terms with why the church didn’t accept me for who I am, it was my new understanding of church that sustained my faith. I also found - and continue to find -strength in my awareness and appreciation that all people are made in the image and likeness of God. “You are the church,” “We are the church,” “We are the people of God,” “We are the Body of Christ” and “We will stand with you.” These were the sentiments shared with me by Marianists to whom I had turned. Most importantly, I knew I was loved by God.
Today I am both employed by and am a practicing member of the Catholic church. I give witness through my prayer life, my leadership and my dedication and commitment to my faith community. I am happy to be accepted in my role and believe that because of my witness, others who may have had preconceptions have learned to accept me as a baptized child of God who is no different from themselves in our human condition.
 Secondly, coming out to my family was the biggest obstacle I thought I would have to face. When I came out to my mother, she embraced me and told me she loved me. She indicated that she suspected this was what I had wanted to talk about. She shared her anguish over my pain and apologized to me for “not being there” through my most difficult times. She told me she loved me and that this didn’t change how she felt about me. She indicated she felt she had always known I was gay, and that she paid special attention to gay and lesbian issues in the media – such as the Oprah show - should this day ever come. Tactfully, almost sweetly, she asked if she could ask questions. We stayed up into the early morning hours discussing my life’s journey. She later shared my coming out with my grandparents and a few close family friends. All have loved me just the same. I have since shared family celebrations with my partner of the last 11 years. My family is his family and his mine. We are blessed to be able to spend birthdays and holidays with both families (nuclear and extended). We share in the struggles and joys of each other’s family. True to family values, we are loved for who we are and we mutually share our love with our families and friends. We also have our own home and are family to each other. We play together, work around the house together, share meals together, and pray together. We share similar values and are both devout Catholics. We attend church together and he is fully supportive of my ministry. In our love, we experience God; for “to love another person is to see the face of God.” The way our families have embraced us, we are blessed to experience true family values.
Finally, I am a steadfast believer that we are called to share our stories and give witness to Christ’s presence in our lives, no matter the cost. To live my life according to the Gospel and to share my journey with others is my mission. I find my greatest reward devoting time and energy to various causes for peace and justice. Most dear to my heart, of course, is human dignity and acceptance of gays and lesbians. By profession I work full-time as an administrator for a local Catholic church. In my personal time, I give talks to local community groups and at local high schools and universities. I have appeared in feature stories on gay and lesbian issues and the Catholic Church in the Dayton Daily News and the University of Dayton Quarterly. I have been the President of Dignity/Dayton (gay and lesbian Catholic organization) and am also offer talks, retreats, and workshops on the gay and lesbian experience. An alumnus the University of Dayton, I have served on the university’s Committee on Gay and Lesbian Concerns. I also helped establish and teach a mini-course on gay and lesbian issues. I was a contributing writer to the U.S. Catholic Bishop’s Committee on the Laity’s “Sons and Daughters of the Light: A Pastoral Plan for Ministry with Young Adults” and have written at length on ministry to gay and lesbian students and Catholic education. Most recently I was asked to serve on an advisory committee to the Archdiocese of Cincinnati’s Family Life Office which has begun its Catholic Ministry with Gays and Lesbians. Through this committee I served as the co-chair for the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Gay and Lesbian Ministries. I have also served on the Archdiocesan Social Action and World Peace Commission as well the Catholic Campaign for Human Development.
-- UD Class of ‘91
 ACCEPTING myself as a woman who is gay at the University of Dayton was quite difficult for me. However, COMING out as a woman who is gay at the University of Dayton was made easier with the help and comforting support of my spiritual leader, Kathleen Rossman, OSF, and my dear friend, Brian Halderman.
As a born and raised Catholic, acceptance was one of the hardest things for me. During my four years of Catholic high school, I found myself aware of my attraction to females. After considering that I might be gay or bisexual, I was devastated. I completely denied it to myself. I refused to allow myself to think of females in a loving way; I prayed to God several times per day and asked for the “evil feelings” to go away; I pushed myself to continually make a conscious effort to like and go out with men. During this period, I often asked myself, “I have always tried to be perfect, in every way – excellent grades, being a helpful steward in community service, having a kind heart, attending Mass several times a week, always lending a helping hand. Why has God done this to me? It must be a mistake. It must be a curse for someone else.”
Throughout my freshman, sophomore, and junior years at U.D., I continually asked the same question and prayed “those feelings” away. After dating several men and a long-term boyfriend during most of my sophomore and junior year, I declared to myself that I was not gay. Things culminated before my senior year. Relationships with men were not working and I was having more and more dreams about women. I would dream of holding hands with and kissing women. When I would wake up, the reality of my dream paralyzed me with fear and I would pray relentlessly for them to stop.
I journeyed to Dayton’s downtown public library to seek out the answers to some of my questions. I read about lesbians, femme and butch, and all the stereotypes within the gay culture. None of this seemed to fit me. I was a sister and past President of Theta Phi Alpha Sorority, a Eucharistic Minister, Co-Chair of Christmas on Campus, a member of Habitat for Humanity at U.D., a Catholic University. There wasn’t room in my life to be gay, nor was it possible to be gay and be included in these organizations. I simply could not be gay. God wouldn’t do this to me.
After many U.D. retreats, including Metanoia and a silence retreat at Governor’s Island at Indian Lake, I was able to reach inside my soul and talk with God. During these life-changing retreats, I was able to read the Bible and reflect. I inhaled God’s message and prayed for strength. It was time for me to address my key issue: could I accept myself? One would think that I would ask, could God accept me?, but this was not the case for me. After reading Scripture and digesting Psalm 139 over and over again, I knew that God had not only created me in my mother’s womb, but I realized that God created me in His liking, and God knew who I was going to be even before I did. I was a beloved child of God and God knew that I was gay. I felt so comforted knowing that God knew about me. At the moment that I accepted that God knew about me, the gay me, then it all made sense. I became empowered and my questions were answered.
 Why, for many years, had I felt attracted to women when I clearly asked God to stop those feelings? Answer: God was speaking to me even though I didn’t want to listen. God had been listening for those eight years; I just wasn’t happy with the answer. We often hear that God answers our prayers but it may not be the answer we want. And that, I have found, is true.
With my questions answered, it was time for me to accept me. Reading Scripture, praying daily, and reflecting through journal writing allowed me to gain strength, enhance my self-worth, and guide me in the right direction as I began to come out. It was through these experiences that I came in contact with Kathleen Rossman and enriched my relationship with my dear friend, Brian Halderman. I gained strength with their friendship. I began to come out, one person at a time, one conversation at a time. I first told my younger sister and then, a close friend. These coming out conversations were emotional, extremely wonderful experiences. With two people in my support group rallying me on, I knew that I needed to come out more. I told more close friends, my roommate, and then, I told my Mom. I came to the conclusion that it was going to be okay - I was going to make it! Everyone was extremely supportive and continued to love me the same as they had before. I knew that even with obstacles ahead, I was going to make it…and make it well.
Through all of this I learned an important lesson: I was still the same person that I was before I came out and I can continue to be the same person in the future. Being gay didn’t make my life worse; it actually enhanced my life, making my future more colorful.
Every time I come out, with each conversation, it makes me stronger. God continues to be at my side in every moment of my life.
Currently, I am married, not legally, but definitely spiritually, to the love of my life. We have been together since the summer of my graduation in 1999 and grow stronger as a couple everyday. We had a ceremony in June of 2002, which included a Catholic Mass and Eucharist. We had our last names changed in court. We own a house and have two yellow Labrador retrievers and we hope to start a family of our own very soon. I feel very happy, very blessed, very alive. My relationship with God is stronger than I ever thought possible. I thank God for who I am; praying that with each new day there is a chance for me to change the world, to create a better experience for someone. I hope that by coming out, I can help people who are struggling with their sexuality to know that being Catholic and being gay can be congruent. I know that I am the person I am today because of my U.D. experience. --UD Class of 1999
“Your Silence Will Not Protect You” As I walked down Lawnview Avenue on that brisk fall afternoon, my mind was consumed with thoughts about which readings and papers I had to do finish that evening. Then it happened. I heard a voice cry out from a porch, “You dyke…go to Hell!” I was absolutely stunned. This was UD and this person was my roommate’s boyfriend, someone who I had spent time at our apartment. I was shocked but kept walking home as the string of insults continued. Black, Lesbian, Feminist poet Audre Lorde writes, “My silences did not protect me. Your silence will not protect you.” I thought that all my experience in Women’s Studies courses and as the President of Student Allies would have prepared me to confront this individual that day. However, it was shock and silence that overwhelmed me, rendering me speechless when I should have stood up for myself. After that day, I continued to think—will my silence protect me and others on campus? I knew that my work with Student Allies would be a powerful weapon to help educate students, faculty, and staff about Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender issues; it was a way to find my voice and be the voice of others who were silent. Founding Allies was my way of saying “I AM HERE,” a way to confront those like my former roommate’s boyfriend, and to initiate a way to break through the silence at UD. --UD Graduate, 2002
Fr. Matthew Kelty, a Trappist, wrote in an article entitled Celibacy and the Gift of Gay*, “There are many kinds of men, there are many kinds of gay. There are many ways of explaining the genesis of what it is to be gay, just as there are many ways of living out that gift.” He continues, “…Who by virtue of the gift of faith know the love of God, the service of God, do not surprise us by gravitating toward the celibate state, the consecrated life, since it unites the search for integrity and wholeness with a superb direction and purpose, the love of brothers, the spiritual context, God? Who better qualified for celibacy than the gay? Not to say that all gays must be celibate…but to say that being gay is grace indeed in following the celibate way. How puzzled I am at Church, churchmen, who write off being gay as disordered, when it appears that being gay is perhaps the most appropriate setting for one who would be celibate.”
I could not have said it any better, as a celibate gay man, who has recently embraced his call to religious life. I thank God everyday for the grace of being gay. Despite the hateful language and oppression of the Magisterial Church, I remain at the table. Catholic gays and lesbians must continue to stand up and be counted. Gay priests and religious must continue to be faithful, serving the people of God and witnessing to the power of God’s unconditional love and mercy.
I pray for the UD community and for its loving embrace of all God’s children.
--An Anonymous Religious Brother, Class of 1999 Unfortunately, because of the current climate in our Church I felt it prudent to remain anonymous.
* Downey, M. (Ed). (1994). My Song is of Mercy: Writings of Matthew Kelty, Monk of Gethsemani. Kansas City, MO: Sheed and Ward.
 My Importance
What could I do to be
Substantial in your eyes
To be all that you want
And be sure I satisfy
As hard as I may try
I feel I can't attain
What you've always wanted
For me in life to gain
With each feat
That I achieve
I feel I've lagged
To make you believe
Believe that I
Can do no more
Than what I've given
You before
Although you say that you
Know that I have tried
I still believe you lack in me
Any sense of pride
Although I know you love me
And will always care
Still I do believe that I
Will only bring despair — UD Student
Loving and True God,  You molded me in your image. You made me the person that I am today. Bless my brokenness and heal my divisions. May you give me the courage to be who you made me to be. Allow me to walk in solidarity with my gay sisters and brothers so that I may come to know the unity found in community. Help me in my struggle for equality and acceptance. That I might be welcomed in my place of worship, in my workplace, and among my family and friends. May I come to know the sign of your love and commitment to me, as Noah did in the rainbow that danced across the sky. As I celebrate my gift of gay, may you rejoice with me in truth! AMEN --UD Alumni
I am God’s Rainbow
Creator God, you place me in the sky to bring together heaven and earth. I express joy toward all who gaze upon me. I radiate peace to all who follow your ways. I bring hope in the sign of your covenant. Love is what brings my colors together, so I may share endless beauty with all creation. I form out of the clouds of darkness and bring truth to a broken world. May my witness of colorful pride in who I am as a gay person be a sign to all of the world. AMEN.
--UD Alumni
 Excerpt from Embracing the Exile by John Fortunato, Seabury Press, 1982:
“Love them anyway?” I moaned. “But how?”
“You begin by just being who you are,” God said, “a loving, caring, whole person created in my image, whose special light of love happens to shine on all, as I intended for you.”
“Is that all?” I asked fearfully. God shook his head, “No, you must also speak your pain and affirm the wholeness I’ve made you to be when they assail it. You must protest when you are treated as less than a child of mine.”
“Is there more?” I asked. “Yes,” God said gently, “and this is the hardest part of all. You must go out and teach them. Help them to know of their dependence on me for all that they really are, and of their helplessness without me. Teach them that their ways are not my ways, and the world of their imagining is not the world I have made. Help them to see that all creation is one as I am one and that all I created I redeem. And assure them by word and work and example that my love is boundless and that I am with them always.”
“You know they won’t listen to me,” I said with resignation. “They’ll despise me. They’ll call me a heretic and laugh me to scorn. They’ll persecute and torment me. They’ll try to destroy me. You know they will, don’t you.”
The radiant face saddened. And then God said softly, “O, yes, I know. How well I know.”
I heard God’s words and something irrevocable changed inside me. I went numb. Now I knew. Now I understood. And it was as though large chunks of who I had been began falling away, tumbling through time and space into eternity. I just let them all fall. No fear now. No resistance. No sense of loss. All that was dropping away was unnecessary now. Extraneous.
I began to feel light and warm. Energy began to surge through my whole being, enlivening me, as though I were a rusty old turbine that was charged up and was starting to hum.
Then two strong, motherly arms reached out and drew me close to the bosom of all that is. And I was just there. Just being. Enveloped in being.
And we wept. For joy.
While I have heard intolerant and even angry anti-gay statements made by UD students, there is another side to the story. For over 30 years I have been renting rooms in my home to UD students. Although as best I can tell at least 90% of them have been straight, to avoid any later problems it has been my rule to let them know before they decided to stay in my house that I am gay, albeit celibate for most of those years including up until today. With very few exceptions the students responded by saying something like “that’s okay; no big deal” and signing the rental agreement. This happened so consistently that it makes me think that the angry and intolerant are indeed relatively few; they are the unhappy exception, not the rule. Some of those who are the exception, I should add, have had bad experiences that make their anger and intolerance understandable. The philosopher Philo once said something to the effect, “Be kind; everyone you meet is engaged in a great struggle.” The word “everyone” strikes me as exactly right. -- UD Faculty/Staff
I just want to thank you for helping to organize this display. It is extremely important to so many students, faculty, and staff on our campus that the university community address – in a visible, public manner – the hurtful attitudes and treatment that others direct toward them, simply because of differences in sexual orientation. I am grateful to you and the rest of the steering committee for doing this important work. -- UD Faculty/Staff
I have worked at UD for 15 years & I feel like I do all that I can to contribute to making us a leader in Marianist, Catholic education. It’s hard for me sometimes when I realized that I am, in effect, being compensated less than my straight married colleagues for doing the same work.. Five years ago my partner of nine years went back to earn her doctorate. This meant she moved from having a good paycheck and benefits to having minimal of each. Since UD does not offer partner benefits, it has been a challenge to our household income to pay for the medications she requires. Even more challenging than that has been my daily fear that she will get seriously ill and that we will both end up in financial ruin. After all, even though I have health insurance protecting me from such disaster, would I let the person I love suffer and maybe even die because she could not afford proper treatment? --UD Faculty/Staff
Over the years I have known several gay UD students who were not comfortable being "out" in the UD community. It was not until they graduated from here that they felt they were able to truly be themselves and be true to themselves. I find that very sad. I wish our community were more welcome and inclusive of all members. --UD Staff/Faculty
It is important to know that my work at UD is as much external as internal. That is to say, there are times when I represent UD to the larger community. After I had been at UD for several years, it became clear that an important part of my growth as an individual and as a professional included “coming out” to my supervisor. But what would that mean for my work? So, after much wringing of hands and many private hours of rehearsing how this conversation might go, I spoke. Disconcertingly, my boss was not surprised. Hmmm, what could that mean? Equally disconcertingly, my boss thought she sensed some shame. Hmmm, what could that mean? Over time, I came to know that what might appear as shame was actually fear. Acceptance is important to me. What would my colleagues think of me? What would others think of me? Could an out person work effectively in an environment where heterosexuality is assumed? Would I feel ‘outside the gate’? Becoming, by the grace of God, who we already are is not an easy journey whether you are tall or short, skinny or fat, male or female, straight or gay. Living in a community that not only respects but rejoices in differences makes personal journeys possible. Is UD such a community? The fact that we have to ask the question tells us the answer. Can we yet become such a community? --UD Faculty/Staff
As a member of the faculty, and as a graduate student at UD who identifies as homosexual, I have experienced an environment that is predominantly accepting, affirming, and safe. However, there have been uncomfortable moments when I have experienced feeling misunderstood, judged, and rejected. I am deeply grateful for moments of incredible compassion and courage from members of the UD community whose integrity made it possible for them to open their minds and hearts to our shared humanity. My perception of UD is that it is struggling with these issues, and that there is need for accountability within a more concerted, consequential commitment to doing the hard work necessary for real progress toward resolution. In my view, this is not an issue limited to a select group of people; as long as any form of harassment, abuse, or inequality is allowed to diminish a single person’s dignity, the dignity of all people is diminished. --UD Faculty/Staff
This is the beginning of my 8th year at UD. "Coming Out" to my colleagues at work has certainly been a thoughtful process filled with both fear and relief. My first few years I had a great deal of uncertainty not knowing how my colleagues would think or respond to me being openly gay at a Catholic/Marianist University. Consequently, I only mentioned my own sexual orientation to a few faculty, staff and students on a "need to know" basis. I still wasn't ready to share something so personal with a group of people with whom I hardly know. Having one foot in and one foot "out of the closet" was frustrating and tiring to me. I realized that I still had some shame about who I was which superseded the unknown reactions and responses of others. I was fearful that my colleagues would some how think less of me. The truth of the matter is that after 7 years I do feel valued, affirmed and not ashamed of who I am. I am willing to risk what others might think or feel so that I can help create a safe and respectful place for everyone. It is imperative that all members of the University acknowledge, accept, and affirm our Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered faculty, staff, students, and alumni. --UD Faculty/Staff
During my 6 years as a student and 29 plus years as an employee at UD I have seen many changes. As an ally to this movement concerning GLBT, it has been rewarding to see the positive changes that have occurred over the years. There is still a way to go, but the efforts of leadership and individuals in the “trenches” have made a positive impact on campus. I see the benefits of these efforts both in my work as a counselor and in the general attitude on campus. Let’s keep up the good work; it is making a difference for many individuals on campus! --UD Faculty/Staff
 During graduate school at a different institution, I had a supervisor who was incredible: completely dedicated to his work, consummate professional, excellent work-ethic, and inspiring leader. Throughout my time working for him, I began to worry that the only way to succeed in my area of study was to abandon any hopes of a personal life, because he NEVER spoke of having any personal ties outside of his family of origin. I wondered if it would be possible to have both a nurturing relationship and a career in my field because this person who was mentoring me did not seem to have one. Eventually this phenomenal person came out to me. I cried because I learned that he felt he had to hide his love life to both his colleagues and his family. I cried for the injustice present in this man’s life and the inability to truly be himself to so many people with whom he works and loves each and every day. I wish for him a society free of the oppression present preventing him from an open and honest love. --UD Faculty/Staff
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Breaking Silence
